Saturday, January 22, 2005
I really am touchy about friendship issues, ne? Here's another experience.
Today I attended a little party at my good friend Tariel's house. Nothing much really, just a post-exam celebration sort of thing. I arrived "fashionably late", as they would say, if you considered 4 hours late that kind of thing. I arrived at around 5 in the afternoon. (I had another party that morning.)
The celebration was highlighted by the watching of the ROTKEE! I had longed to watch that thing for so long. I ran to Tower Records at every possible moment in the mall, yet they had none. They only received 4 sets in the first batch, and even though I reserved, I wasn't part of the first 4.
The ROTKEE watching was very nice, let me tell you. Absolutely amazing! I am still in awe over it. It also made me feel very... oh, I don't really know. It gave me a warm, contented feeling. Not just because I was watching a wonderful movie; I was watching it with my friends. That made things doubly special.
In between scenes, Manwathiel, Eruwaedhiel, Caramiriel, and Tariel would joke and laugh about things in the movie, or something else altogether. Sometimes they would chat about things I couldn't really understand. Although it kind of made me feel weird, sitting there just watching while they chatted, I reassured myself with my usual firm stubborness that it was not their fault I didn't know.
But, as it does at times, my selfish side started to creep over, mentally bashing my conscience with taunts. I refused to wallow in self-pity. And let me tell you now, I am NOT doing this for sympathy plays. Writing is a place to let yourself go.Anyway, my selfishness started to murmur angry thoughts in my head. You know for a fact, Eruanne... it hissed at me, smiling at my mental torture. You have longed for true friends... but they never came. They never cared.
My logic, stubborness, and grit fought back. They cared, I told myself. The fact that you are sitting here with them right now proves that well enough. And I knew in my heart that I was right. My selfishness rolled its eyes, and retreated back to the shadows of my mind. However, before it left, it murmured three more words that left great uncertainty in me.
I'll be back.
I guess that my selfish side had decided to come when I was most relaxed. It kind of had a point, though. I have always longed for the truest friends. The kind I could trust, respect, and love, and they would do the same for me. Maybe my friends do. But sometimes, it is so hard to see. Take Idhrenniel and KC as an example. They trust each other implicitly, and it was extremely easy to see.
Jealousy, ignorance, and pain can often hack away at one when you least expect it. I reassured myself, as well as I could, that friends can often speak a language without words or actions. I knew that life does not always give you everything you want, or in the way you want it. I have friends, who care for me. Maybe not in the way that I often thought or wished, but still, they care. And that's all that matters.
They may not trust me yet with the trust, respect, and love that I hope for, but I am content that they trust me with their back.
As I will always trust them with mine.
~~ Eruanne
P.S. The last two paragraphs were inspired by a statement I read in a story by Kaly (razrbkr@juno.com). Just want to reassure you that I don't mean any plagiarism or anything like that.
1:33 PM
