Sunday, June 26, 2005
Keeping up with my newly revised Left Behind, I want to share with you the experiences that brought me to rewrite it.
I was in High School, my section was Topaz. We had a reputation for being enthusiastic, rather noisy, but still creative and witty. Great way to start off the school year, huh?
Well, the first week was great. I felt accepted by everyone, the teachers, the upper years, the girls, even the guys, which was a new experience for me. Having no brothers and coming from an exclusive all-girls school, guys were a total mystery to me. So I was glad that they were all so nice.
Supposedly.
That all changed in the second week.
I realized that I was betrayed once more. Allow me to elaborate.
I was running for Class President. I wasn't after the recognition, the leadership, or anything like that. Back at my old school, I was hated, not accepted, the victim. If I became President of Topaz (or pretty much any position, I don't want to be picky), it would show that my classmates appreciated me, that they knew I existed and had feelings too. That they cared for me.
I was wrong.
I did not get the position. After all their reassurances that they would stand by me. I know it's rather petty to complain over something as simple as class presidency. But after your friends, even your best friends, pull your hopes up so high, and to thank them, you work so hard for those hopes to be fulfilled... and then make you fall with a painful crash and they expect you to be okay with no wounds... it hurts so bad.
I was wounded. And they couldn't see that.
I suppose all this was partly my fault. After having been taunted for so long, and finding such open, accepting people in Pisay, I totally threw myself into making first year the best. I worked my way to become good friends with not just the class, but the batch. And I thought I was doing fine. So I pulled myself higher.
Without a safety net.
I guess I went over with it. I know that two weeks of familiarity could not replace the years of friendship that most of my class had (some of them knew each other before or were classmates before). I tried, and I failed greatly. I found out the truth the hard way.
One way I tried to get to know my classmates is by making a class book. I wrote each of my classmates' names on a page in a notebook, one name per page. And people would write nice things about that person, so we could know each other's good qualities (not bad things, please; I went through that already).
So, one day, while waiting for the teacher, I was writing on one of my classmates' pages. Specifically, the page of my good friend and seatmate: Jiggs. He noticed what I was writing about him ("a really funny 'seester'"), then he looked at me with a raised eyebrow and a slightly hurt expression.
"Why are you writing that? You don't even know me; you don't know any of us!"
He said this with a firm, slightly angry voice. A voice that still haunts me, mocks me of my failure to realize what was staring at me in the eye.
I also heard from my other classmates: Prissy, Quintin, Gee-ann, Jiggs, Athena, Erika, Ricky, Isay, Luigi (so many, huh? and that's not even 1/3 of the class)... and so on... that they saw me as a sort of playgirl. How was that? Why? I never did anything. I simply tried to befriend everyone. And once again, I saw the lesson I failed to learn: you can't be friends with everyone. And definitely you can't be friends with ANYone in only two weeks' time.
So, now I know that majority, if not all, of my classmates, don't like me at all. My struggles, once again, were all for nothing.
When I learned all this, when I realized I was left behind once more, I wanted to scream at them, break them, make them apologize for things that were actually my fault. I wanted to leave my class and transfer. Or even better, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up, and allow time to go back to the first day of class, just so I could make things right.
I knew I couldn't. There was no one to blame but me. I couldn't leave my class now. I can't turn back time, except perhaps in my dreams. But perhaps there is something else I can do.
I know now what I must do. It won't remedy the damage done in the past, simply because it's in the past. But it's laid the foundation of everything that's gone wrong now. I have to stop doing what they feel is wrong, because I have hurt my classmates when I did those things.
I know now that it was wrong to try and make friends too soon. People are not as trusting as I am (I am too trusting maybe; why else have I fallen, now in today's evil world?). I have to stay away for a while. Maybe, I will understand what is going on, and then I can try to remedy it all. Maybe.
But for now, it's time for me to release everything first. Like my poem:Shattering the dam of my heartFinally allowing the tears to flowA mad torrent releasedIn the hurt of betrayalThe bittersweet painIs all I have left.
For now, I will just let go. After, I will get up, and do what I decided I would do. But for now, I will just have a little cry, for the people I have hurt because of what I have done.
I'm sorry, Topaz. I have hurt you all, and you pay the price for everything I've done wrong. Now, I am simply reaping what I have sown. The bitter fruit is mine alone.
So these tears I shed now... these tears are for you.
I will let the tears go now, now that I am alone.
Because at least now, no one, not my classmates especially, will be able to hear me cry my soul to sleep.
~~ Eruanne
Current mood: desolate, devastated, absolutely in the pits of despairCurrent music: 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' by Green Day
P.S. The last line came from Jemi Gr's amazing fanfic: Cry My Soul to Sleep. It's a CATS fanfic that I feel I truly can relate with. You rock, Jemi Gr!
7:29 PM