Friday, July 22, 2005
I'm back at Pisay... sorry, I'm not posting Survivor: Chicken Pox anymore, since, well, I fell behind with it and anyway, I'm back. It's great to be back, but I commited one of the greatest mistakes I have ever done in my life, and I truly regret it. However, regretting it is not going to change what happened.
To put it somewhat vaguely, I lost one of my closest friends, simply because I had an innocent schoolgirl crush on him.
Clouds (it was my codename for him...) was always nice to me, ever since the first day of school. He was like a brother to me. I always went to him for a dash of humor when I was bored, a little comfort when I was said, or just for a basic conversation to make me happy again. He was one of the closest guy friends I ever had. Having come from an all-girls school and having no brothers, I was so happy to have a friend like Clouds.
And so, as was probably expected, I developed a little crush on him.
I always felt he was special, and the fact that he was my friend and was super nice to me really added to the crush potential. He also ocassionally showed those 'more-than-friends' signs that you sometimes misread when you are under the influence of crushes. But a part of me constantly reminded me to be careful, I could hurt his feelings or even lose his friendship.
I now really and truly wish I had listened.
Well, under the influence of my crush on him, I was all 'floating on air' kind of thing. I have never been experienced in this business, and I realized, several weeks after I had a crush on him, that it was kind of obvious that I did have a crush on him.
And the worst thing that could happen (and damnit, it did), was that Clouds would find out.
When he did, I felt really really worried. The best thing that I hoped could happen was that he'd just shrug it off as a girl thing that happens a lot, and let it go. Unfortunately, it was the other side of the balance that occurred.
He didn't talk to me that much anymore, he always seemed to move away when I wanted to ask him something, and he looked really angry. I knew right then and there that I commited a terrible mistake. To be honest, I'd rather he talk to me about it, and tell me to stop. I would have preferred that. At least he could still trust me enough to tell me.
In vain, I asked him what was wrong, and this just further caused his anger to fire up. I knew that things were officially messed up now.
Isn't it odd? I've barely spent 2 months at Pisay, and already I have lost one of my trusted friends. It hurts to say that I did lose his friendship and his trust. I don't know why, when I thought he'd understand that this was something that all girls go through. But nevertheless, it was terrible. I lost his friendship.
It's going to be a total nightmare in the next several school weeks. Life now totally sucks. I don't care anymore about crushing; it is easier to lose a crush than to lose a friend. Crushes come and go, but friendship can last as long as forever.
And now, as I sit here, regretting everything I have done, I just wish to go back in time, and make things right. I now wish that I didn't have a crush on him. At least I had his friendship. And now I had lost it.
I am so sorry, Clouds... I suppose I have hurt your feelings once more, and I know you won't forgive me. Even if you won't give me your friendship anymore, just know that you will always have mine.
I may have failed in my duty as a good friend, but you still have my friendship and trust. After all, that is what friends do. And I promise, I will always be your friend.~~ EruanneCurrent mood: miserableCurrent music: Help Me sung by Mandy Moore
9:33 PM