Saturday, December 10, 2005
I feel like such a bad person. Why do I feel anger for my friends? Why?
Is it prejudice? Jealousy? Pride?
I tried to convince myself that I knew this would happen anyway. I lost my best friend to my other friend. I wanted to believe that it really was supposed to be that way, that things would be better still. And now, I realized...
Who was I kidding?
Of course I missed him. He's my best friend, for goodness' sake!
Okay, fine, correction. He used to be my best friend.
I could see that he was happy hanging out with her. I know that he trusted her, shared with her, cared about her more than he ever did with me. And I decided that, for both their sakes, I could just let things go, let them be as they wished. And now, they both have something to fall back on.
And I?
I am simply reaping what I have sown.
The bitter fruit is mine alone.
*~*~*~*~*
But why the hell do I feel this way, then?
To the casual onlooker, things were the way it's supposed to be. Two cheerful, happy friends: best friends. One loner looking from afar. It's like those pictures in magazines and on the Internet. Art imitates life and vice versa, right? Well, it decided to imitate itself in my life. Nice, huh?
He was happy. She was happy. Could I really bring myself to take that away from them? I could not. So I just let things go as they pleased. I allowed the winds of fate to fall upon me, taking me away from them and leaving me where I could not do anything anymore.
Where I could only watch.
*~*~*~*~*
One incident that relates to this stands out starkly in my mind's eye. I was seated near the volleyball court, watching the game. Then I heard familiar voices from the oval. I turned and I saw them.
I tried to smile, using the thought that it was such a perfect image, a postcard moment of some sort.
But my mask, which had become so fragile over the past few weeks, could not hold any longer. It shattered, leaving only broken mirrors of bittersweetness in my soul.
For some godforsaken reason or whatever, I felt tears filling my eyes as I watched them. It's kind of like a car wreck: you hate yourself for watching it, but you can't tear your eyes away from it. The tears threatened to spill, but the little pride I had left did not allow it. It did not allow me to turn my eyes away from the scene, either.
I don't honestly know why those tears welled up in my eyes. Perhaps it was the fact that he and I used to do that, and I missed it. Perhaps it was because someone was happy and I was not. Or maybe it was just because I knew I lost my best friend, wanted him back, but was helpless to do so.
But whatever it was, the tears came anyway. I could not hold it back any more. I tore my gaze away, and ran from it all. I could not let them see me like this.
*~*~*~*~*
What made things worse, was that I had to face her afterwards, and pretend that nothing was wrong. Her happy expression, her cheerful voice, her sparkling eyes, and her joyous gestures, as she talked about the time she spent with him... I could not remove it from my mind. It was a mockery of my weakness.
When she looked away from me to answer a text that he sent her, the tears decided to fill my eyes again. I hastily wiped them away, and excused myself, using homework as a reason.
And, I guess, that was the routine of my life from then on, to both of them.
I can't bring myself to shatter the friendship they now shared. All I could do was let the tears let the emotion out when it became too much. And indeed, it had a tendency to make me feel all sorts of horrible things when it did.
I wanted to curse them for making a friendship that I treasured disappear. After all, I didn't want to shatter her friendship with him. Why did she have to shatter mine? It is so unfair. I wanted to curse the two of them for being so happy, for existing to take away one of the few friends I had left. But my doormat-ness did not let me. I could only watch, and wonder what I did wrong.
The tears are now threatening to come and spill again. And I let them. I cry for my best friend, whom I sorely missed. For my other friend whom I could not bear to hurt her feelings. For the mask that I wear, that had fallen once more.
The tears fall, shimmering like silvery snakelike handcuffs, that now wrap themselves, trickling softly, on my hands and around my wrists. Even though I longed to put things back to the way they were, I could not. I was bound by invisible chains of giving, lies, helplessness, and the thing that was supposed to be boundless: friendship and love.
A sheer mockery, indeed.
*~*~*~*~*
AND I CAN DO NOTHING TO CHANGE THAT
This is what I must do
Laugh at every joyous moment
Show a smile to everyone
Say that I'm all right
But every laugh I take
Every smile I make
Every time I say something
Deep inside me
All I want to do is
Let go and cry
So, a laugh and a smile
Just covers what I feel deep inside
Because I have no choice
Because for everyone else
What matters is what they see of me
And not what I really feel
And I can do nothing to change that.
Is it prejudice? Jealousy? Pride?
I tried to convince myself that I knew this would happen anyway. I lost my best friend to my other friend. I wanted to believe that it really was supposed to be that way, that things would be better still. And now, I realized...
Who was I kidding?
Of course I missed him. He's my best friend, for goodness' sake!
Okay, fine, correction. He used to be my best friend.
I could see that he was happy hanging out with her. I know that he trusted her, shared with her, cared about her more than he ever did with me. And I decided that, for both their sakes, I could just let things go, let them be as they wished. And now, they both have something to fall back on.
And I?
I am simply reaping what I have sown.
The bitter fruit is mine alone.
*~*~*~*~*
But why the hell do I feel this way, then?
To the casual onlooker, things were the way it's supposed to be. Two cheerful, happy friends: best friends. One loner looking from afar. It's like those pictures in magazines and on the Internet. Art imitates life and vice versa, right? Well, it decided to imitate itself in my life. Nice, huh?
He was happy. She was happy. Could I really bring myself to take that away from them? I could not. So I just let things go as they pleased. I allowed the winds of fate to fall upon me, taking me away from them and leaving me where I could not do anything anymore.
Where I could only watch.
*~*~*~*~*
One incident that relates to this stands out starkly in my mind's eye. I was seated near the volleyball court, watching the game. Then I heard familiar voices from the oval. I turned and I saw them.
I tried to smile, using the thought that it was such a perfect image, a postcard moment of some sort.
But my mask, which had become so fragile over the past few weeks, could not hold any longer. It shattered, leaving only broken mirrors of bittersweetness in my soul.
For some godforsaken reason or whatever, I felt tears filling my eyes as I watched them. It's kind of like a car wreck: you hate yourself for watching it, but you can't tear your eyes away from it. The tears threatened to spill, but the little pride I had left did not allow it. It did not allow me to turn my eyes away from the scene, either.
I don't honestly know why those tears welled up in my eyes. Perhaps it was the fact that he and I used to do that, and I missed it. Perhaps it was because someone was happy and I was not. Or maybe it was just because I knew I lost my best friend, wanted him back, but was helpless to do so.
But whatever it was, the tears came anyway. I could not hold it back any more. I tore my gaze away, and ran from it all. I could not let them see me like this.
*~*~*~*~*
What made things worse, was that I had to face her afterwards, and pretend that nothing was wrong. Her happy expression, her cheerful voice, her sparkling eyes, and her joyous gestures, as she talked about the time she spent with him... I could not remove it from my mind. It was a mockery of my weakness.
When she looked away from me to answer a text that he sent her, the tears decided to fill my eyes again. I hastily wiped them away, and excused myself, using homework as a reason.
And, I guess, that was the routine of my life from then on, to both of them.
I can't bring myself to shatter the friendship they now shared. All I could do was let the tears let the emotion out when it became too much. And indeed, it had a tendency to make me feel all sorts of horrible things when it did.
I wanted to curse them for making a friendship that I treasured disappear. After all, I didn't want to shatter her friendship with him. Why did she have to shatter mine? It is so unfair. I wanted to curse the two of them for being so happy, for existing to take away one of the few friends I had left. But my doormat-ness did not let me. I could only watch, and wonder what I did wrong.
The tears are now threatening to come and spill again. And I let them. I cry for my best friend, whom I sorely missed. For my other friend whom I could not bear to hurt her feelings. For the mask that I wear, that had fallen once more.
The tears fall, shimmering like silvery snakelike handcuffs, that now wrap themselves, trickling softly, on my hands and around my wrists. Even though I longed to put things back to the way they were, I could not. I was bound by invisible chains of giving, lies, helplessness, and the thing that was supposed to be boundless: friendship and love.
A sheer mockery, indeed.
*~*~*~*~*
AND I CAN DO NOTHING TO CHANGE THAT
This is what I must do
Laugh at every joyous moment
Show a smile to everyone
Say that I'm all right
But every laugh I take
Every smile I make
Every time I say something
Deep inside me
All I want to do is
Let go and cry
So, a laugh and a smile
Just covers what I feel deep inside
Because I have no choice
Because for everyone else
What matters is what they see of me
And not what I really feel
And I can do nothing to change that.
~~ Eruanne
current mood: sad
current music: Life Support by Hale
10:05 PM