Sunday, January 08, 2006
I just want to let you all know that I am not attacking my classmates or anyone in particular in this entry. I just had to get these thoughts off my chest at the moment.
I feel so confused, so hurt. I just found out that I got a flunking CARD GRADE (a 3.0 to be exact) in a 2-unit subject: Math.
No, that's not what's making me feel this way. It was how my mom reacted to it.
My mother was, naturally, extremely upset and concerned over it. She insisted that I have a tutor, and that I just don't stay in the dorm anymore, so she can look after me (and not just studying, but also in eating and all of that). I was okay with all of that. I mean, sure, I was depressed that I would be leaving the dorm, but it wasn't anything that upsetting. I'm pretty sure that as soon as the problem's fixed, I can go back.
But then she mentioned my "friends". It was what she said that made my blood turn to ice, my heart turn to glass, my tears turn to time.
She told me that I was such a good, kind, generous person. And really, it's true. I'm not bragging here. I was always willing to give up so much of my time and energy to help my friends and classmates in need. And I totally believed that it would pay off.
But apparently not.
My mom made me see all that. I had such a rose-colored, biased look at my friends. I really loved them to death. When they needed my help or my company, I was always ready to help them. But what about me? What about when I needed help?
I'm so sorry to wallow in self-pity here, but I can't help it. I can't help but remember all the time I wasted for my classmates, but I highly doubt I got anything in return.
I willingly helped my classmates and roommates in English and other subjects. But when I needed help in my weakest subject, Math, they simply did nothing more than answer it for me, but did not explain. And I did not understand.
I patiently listen to my friends' glowing descriptions of their crushes or their joys or whatever, even if it hurts. But when I needed a listening ear, I didn't find it in my class. I had to search further in my batch.
I stayed up until 3 am working on a script for my English class, despite my having a fever and viral infections. The next day, I was told not to bother with the editing of the script, given that my classmate's was better from the start anyway. All
of the work I had slaved over on had been for nothing.
One event stands out starkly. The December 2-3 2005 incident. Someone that I trusted (and up to now I still don't know who it is, which hurts even more) was spreading rumors about me, and it reached the others sections, and oh god, my crushes. And the fact that I had to hear about it FROM the person who could hurt me most was really the most that I could take. I broke down into pieces and cried.
I sought the help and comfort of my classmates, but in whose arms did I fall into and released my sorrows? Not my classmates, not my roommates. They were my friends from the other sections, from the other batches. It was Kate, Yana, Belsha, Patti, Vince, Gian, Inna, Ingrid, Dianne, Ate Desa, Kuya Jowi and Ate Paula who comforted me in my pain. Who lent me their touch and strength for my moment of weakness and hurt.
I'm all alone. I know that now. Where is... everyone? What should I do now?
I don't know what to do anymore. My mother tells me that I have to learn to be a bit more selfish, even though it's hard. But that's how life is in Pisay. It's a lot of competition, and there's just some people there who "don't share because they want to be the best". I have to learn to focus on myself more, and not so much on my friends, because, as she said, "when you really need them, they will turn their backs on you. They won't be there for you."
That was what made things so painful. I had always believed that my friends, my classmates especially, would be there for me. They always said so. Now I realized that talk was totally cheap. Their action spoke more than words ever could. Or lack of action, anyway.
I now know that in this nightmarish dream I have called "my life right now", I won't ever be appreciated. No. I go to school, I do my work, I help, I go home. The end. Nothing more. I give, but I don't ever take, because I am such a doormat and I feel that I don't need it anyway.
But it's crunch time. I can feel those 7 wasted months taking their toll on me, my health, my grades. I am suffering from my own doing. I have no choice. I won't leave my "friends" behind and never help them, but I have to start helping myself. I have no choice but to return to my Woodrose ways: Quiet. Studious. Introverted. Conservative. Alone. Friendless.
It reminds me of a quote from J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It's an Elvish quote spoken by Aragorn's mother Gilraen. You can find it in the Appendices. Here's the English translation:
"I gave hope to Men.
I kept none for myself."
I am clutching at the last vestiges of hope, faith, love, and sanity that I have left, or anywhere that I can find. The ones that I used to have are already given away.
But, perhaps, this may be just another obstacle that God set out for me to improve myself and become a better person. So, with this wishful hope of thought in my mind and heart, I just want to close this off with a prayer I hold close to my sould. It's the Prayer of Saint Francis. Here's an excerpt:
"Oh Divine Master, grant that I may never seek, to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. For it is giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."
~~ Eruanne
current mood: miserable, betrayed
current music: Take Me Away by Avril Lavigne
12:46 AM